Anger

Today, I am incredibally frustrated with Spanish. I can't understand my teachers or remember words I heard just moments ago.

I can't figure out how to be organized here. I need to take notes in Spanish, but I can't organize them on paper or on the computer, nor can I concentrate on what the teacher is saying while I'm writing things down.

It sounds silly I know, but I probably feel this way because A) I didn't get to shower this morning and B) I'm wearing my glasses. I never feel awake when I do either of these things, and I am far more prone to crankiness when I haven't been properly washed of all things yesterday.

So, I feel like I can't hear anyone, understand anyone, or express myself coherently to anyone. Most of the people in my level speak far better than me, and though I know I need not dwell on any of these things, it's hard not to when I'm stumbling over my tongue in class and hearing myself say things incorrectly while simultaneously being unaware of what is correct.

I just walked up to the secretary's desk to look at the sign up sheets for various things. The secretary, Ana, asked me how I am. I said (in Spanish), "I'm a little frustrated." She replied, "Oh, why?" I said, "Because I can't express myself in Spanish." and she said, "...what? express?" and I almost started crying.

I need to vent and talk about these things, and yet, when I try to talk to people, I either can't make myself understood, or I feel like I'm making them uncomfortable or I feel like I'm being judged for being upset, so I just stop. I just want to go home and be alone to think and become rational again, but I get home and Señora starts asking me questions, which I either can't understand or to which I don't know how to reply, and everything snowballs.

Also, I don't want to always be with people I know from NWC, but the majority of students in Acento de Trinity live pretty far away. I try to plan on things so that I can be included in activities, but it never seems to work out. I tried to go to a disco with a big group, for example, and had a plan for which bus I was to take and which taxi I was to go home in, but there I sat, waiting for the bus that was supposed to arrive at midnight, but never came, all dressed up, ready to meet people, only to be disappointed again. Just like slushies, just like every other activity I hear everyone talking about in school.

Yuck. For the first time, I do NOT want to be here at all.

And yes, I know it will get better, and yes, I know I oughtn't complain, and yes, I know. But right here, right now, I feel upset and hopeless. I am not ignorant of the plusses of being here. I know the sun will probably come out tomorrow.